I should have never done that. Worst mistake of my life.

I was sipping from a beer on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

Here we go again.

I was out, supposedly having fun with close friends. But I was anxious and worried, and I couldn’t stop myself.

If I had told my friends what I was thinking at that moment they would have declared me crazy on the spot.

My mind was racing from one bad thought to another, from the past to the future. Never here. Never now.

Until finally, after 20 minutes, like a torero slowly conquering a raging bull, I was able to put a halt to it.

Cheers.

In the last few months, I’ve started writing everything down. I have a separate file per category. Here are some of the categories:

  • TODO TODAY (my game plan for the day, actionable steps)
  • WORRIES (literally what comes out of my pen when I start writing down what’s in my head)
  • WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
  • FINANCES
  • REGRETS (these resurface often. I don’t need to worry about them if they’re already in the list)
  • BLOG IDEAS
  • BIG EVENTS IN THE COMING YEAR (weddings etc)
  • TO WATCH / TO READ / TO LISTEN
  • KEEP AN EYE ON (long term todo)
  • IMPORTANT INFO (passwords, but not really)
  • PRIORITIES (high level, conceptual overview of what’s important to me)
  • GENIUS IDEAS (new ideas for projects, app ideas etc)
  • HEALTH (doctor stuff)

I can’t say I don’t ruminate anymore, but writing everything down has helped.

And my mentality has shifted.

See, I want to achieve big things in life, but at the same time I realise being happy is enough.

It’s a strange dichotomy. At this moment, I’m both happy and working hard towards my goals.

My thought process is literally: I want to achieve greatness, but if not, that’s cool too.

If I’d drop dead right now, I’d have peace with that.

In the grand scheme of things, we do not matter at all. Our lives are nothing compared to the timeline of the universe.

Entire civilisations have been forgotten in the blink of an eye.

And that can either be liberating or soul-crushing.

Optimistic versus pessimistic nihilism.

I know which one I choose.

 

The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves. – Alan Watts

 

I should have hurried youth, in truth,
And moved more quickly on –
I should have made the most of youth,
Before the time was gone.
I should have followed fancy, free,
Before it thought to fade –
I should have picked a good degree,
Or found myself a trade.
I should have stopped to stare above;
To share another’s dreams –
I should have never welcomed love,
And lost it all, it seems.
No matter what the aim or end –
No matter what you do –
Regrets are part of life, my friend:
Don’t let them conquer you.
– Poem_for_your_sprog

 

Oh, and about that iced tea?

I ordered it in a little café in Thailand a few years ago. I was sitting outside, sun on my skin. I was reading a book about meditation.

That was the first time I ever felt a glimpse of being in the here and now. No other way to describe it:

zen.